Drug them or keep them hidden was the response of blogger Gayla McCord to the recent news of an autistic boy and his mom being booted off a plane.
In her blog titled Sometimes ‘Special Needs’ Just Need To Stay Home she states:
I think the United States has latched on to the whole if it’s out of the ordinary it must be an illness or disease. Now I’m not saying this particular kid wasn’t truly autistic, but I do believe there are many kids who are being diagnosed as autistic who are genuinely nothing more then flaming brats and because these kids are brats, the worlds is supposed to do everything to make them more comfortable?
… There’s lots more I can say on the whole overuse of special needs syndrome that’s making life so annoying for normal people – but that’s for another day.
I’d like to think her attitude was singular in its lack of tolerance. However, the recent rash of news stories surrounding children with autism has brought other like-minded responses.
In the comments on the story Autistic Kid Banned From Church on Momlogic.com:
William wrote:
She says,
“Unless you’re used to what my son does, it can be shocking.”What she is really saying,
Anyone normal person would be shocked by his behavior.
William goes on to question if it’s normal for humans to eat live rats or to strap bombs on their bodies and blow up buses. He quotes Merriam Webster’s dictionary definition of normal.
On the same site another post titled “Punished for Autism?” HodekS commented:
Normal kids are held to a certain level of public behavior, but kids with autism are NOT. They’re special. They have special privileges to do whatever.
Do you see the common thread here? That word ‘normal’ keeps popping up. It keeps barging itself into the conversation for autism tolerance and awareness.
Because of that word a wall gets built. It’s the dividing line between ‘them’ and ‘us.’ And somehow, someway it’s making it okay – justifying – the prejudiced sentiment.
Did you know the word normalcy didn’t enter the English language until 1860?
In his book “The Short Bus: A Journey Beyond Normal” author Jonathan Mooney writes:
… Before then (1860) we had only the concept of the ideal, which no one could ever hope to obtain.
In the United States, normal arose within a cultural context as the nation sought to control a growing urban population and Americanize immigrants from around the world. Normalcy, though, is first and foremost an idea that arises from statistics.
The normal, norm, or normalcy do not exist in the real world of people, despite the fact that we are told that we can modify our behavior and train our bodies and minds to reach it. We are told to chase it – in our culture, in our families, in our lives. But when we chase it – as I did – it disappears. Normalcy is like a horizon that keeps receding as you approach it.
Parents of children who have autism spend countless hours, dollars, time and energy into educating their children to have more socially appropriate social, coping and behavioral skills. Many times these kids are receiving 40-hours a week in training.
Often parents with autistic children deal with isolation because friends and family members don’t understand and lack tolerance.
How would you feel if you were the parent? How would you feel if you had autism?
Imagine waking up one morning in a country with a vastly different language, culture and social norms. Imagine they hold you accountable to behaving and interacting just like them and have zero patience for your mistakes, your frustrations and meltdowns.
Imagine being stared at, ignored, or yelled at because you couldn’t achieve exactly what they wanted in order to belong. Imagine being an outcast, shunned and not having the skills to communicate how that hurts and to ask for help.
Imagine you have a parent, sibling, lover or friend who can speak that country’s language and are asking for compassion and tolerance while you learn. What if they get shoved to the side as well?
What if this wasn’t another country or community – but yours? The one you were born into, the one you grew up in?
David K. March, author of dkmnow, writes:
The continual day-to-day effects of widespread social prejudice are, almost without exception, far more genuinely debilitating, both in the immediate sense, and throughout the life-span, than anything that is truly intrinsic to autism itself.
As a parent of a child who has autism, I’m asking for some human decency, compassion and tolerance. My child’s special needs don’t show on his face. He doesn’t have a wheelchair or crutches to notify the public of his circumstances.
In fact, you may meet him and never know he has high-functioning autism. Often he’s very engaging, talkative and curious. Heck, he’s even learned to crack a few jokes – and understand when someone is making one too.
However, if he’s having one of those moments and he’s inconveniencing you with his meltdown – have some patience. He’s already been bullied, teased, picked on and shunned by peers, teachers, adults and strangers enough for one lifetime. He doesn’t need your glares, smart mouth remarks and attitude. It doesn’t resolve or alleviate the situation. While he might not show it, he feels it and it hurts.
And frankly, it only makes the situation worse.
While I’m at it, know this — I’m not shoving him in some back room or making sure we only visit ‘safe’ zones. He’s a citizen of your community, your state, your nation and your world. He has every right to be a participating member of it — just as much as you do.
As a matter of fact, the world as you know it is because of people like my son.
To paraphrase his diagnosing doctor – You wouldn’t have combustion engines, computers or technology as we know it without people who had autism, OCD, ADHD, or were bi-polar. The neurotypical mind can’t focus like that.
Often people with autism are scientists, college professors, inventors, and computer programmers. They’ve have had huge influences in medical breakthroughs, technology and even the car you drive. These are the people you depend on. They helped create the word program you use to type letters, the machine you swipe your credit card and the light blinking above your head. In many more ways not mentioned, they helped create or influence the world as you know it.
Patterned after the famous words of Tyler Durden — Do not … fuck with them.
Don’t vote them out of your class, kick them off of your plane, exclude them from your yearbook or ban them from your church. Don’t stretch the word ‘safety’ to include your temporary discomfort. Don’t wield the word ‘normal’ like a sword.
I’m not asking for my son to have priveleges to do whatever. I’m not asking for uncontrolled chaos and truly dangerous situations to be ignored.
What I am asking for is some human decency and compassion. I’m asking you to have tolerance and awareness. Are you willing to try?
If so, why not take it a step further and join us … as we go beyond normal … and strive towards the ideal.
Read related posts:
Idiots Guide to Special Needs – An Open Discussion and Virtual Learning Session
Disabled Kid Thrown Off a Plane–And the Attitudes Come Out (A special thank you to Deaf Mom for bringing this to my attention and blogging about it.)
The Skies Are Only Friendly If You Don’t Have Autism
News: “Autistic toddler kicked off airplane”
WOW. I do not even know what to say. Wait, yes I do.
Related posts:
Genevieve Hinson is a social media coordinator for Children's Hospital Central California. She's also a writer, wife and mom to two boys and a girl. The opinions she expresses here are her own, as is her obsession for coffee.
My problem is NOT with the Autistic child – it is WITH the mother who is trying to break and bend FAA regulations in the name of autism.
Powerful post, Genevieve.
You’ll have to pardon me a bit, I just returned from 3 hours of hell taking my (high functioning) autistic son to a NT friend’s birthday party. “High functioning” means he mostly fits in, ‘cept when he doesn’t….
Social norms are social norms. You can’t freak out and scream on an airplane. You can’t blurt crazy s*** out to your friends and coworkers and expect to be well respected and liked. Yes, that’s normal.
As parents of special needs kids _we_ have to go that extra mile to both protect our children and at the same time educate them about the world around them. If your kid is attached to his suitcase surely you know this and you know it’ll be a problem if you fly (suitcases go in the overhead compartments, don’t they). Weeks in advance you need to be thinking about how to transition the kid to a more flying-friendly attachment (try a stuffed jellyfish, my son loves his).
We cannot expect the world to change for our kids, nor should we, because it’s not fair to them. We’re the ones that have to teach our kids how to deal with the world at large, and some days that will go well… other times not so much.
Such is life.
I put a comment on the post by Gayla McCord sometimes-special-needs-just-need-to-stay-home where I pretty much laid it out! At the bottom of my comment where I talk about commending those that do right I would just like to say that the person that posted above me (Marc Matteo) is one of these people that I commend for being a good parent and going the extra mile! It may not mean much and no I don’t know who this person is at all but I just wanted to point out that this is someone (from reading what their post says)that CARES! The ones that my post focus’s torward should use this person as an example and learn! Quit using your child’s disability for attention and quit using them as a way to make excuses! It only ends up showing your a poor parent and it is not fair to your child to not try. So once again Marc Matteo it may not mean much but thank you for your post! Your a prime example of a good parent with an autism child!
Marc Matteo – You have my absolute utmost respect and admiration. And I agree with Josh, you are a prime example of not just a good, but a great parent.
Genevieve – well said.
To some of the other commenters – I think most if not all parents of children with autism ARE doing everything they can to teach their children how to adapt to the world and not making excuses for their children. It’s not an excuse, but it is an explanation.
Why do you think we spend untold amounts on various therapies and spend countless hours working with them at home and in public? All we’re asking is that people show a little compassion and realize that it is a process that takes a long time, years in many cases. And maybe, just maybe, try to meet them halfway on some things. Strangers who choose to show kindness can go a long way to being part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Don’t laugh if they flap their hands, don’t sneer if you hear them tell their mother 5 times that today is Tuesday, or make rude comments if you see them hopping up and down squealing. Maybe that’s how they stay in control to avoid having a meltdown. Maybe it’s one step on the journey to developing more “socially appropriate” behavior. Once they master not having meltdowns in certain situations, they can work on the other things. Believe me – they and their parents want to avoid a meltdown even more than you want to avoid being witness to it. We certainly don’t enjoy incidents where our children are disruptive to others, and we do what we can to avoid putting them in situations that will be overwhelming for them, but sometimes it can’t be avoided and sometimes we have to help them stretch a little or how else will they learn to cope?
And while I’m commenting – how about giving the parents the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming they are clueless because they don’t do things exactly the way you might, understand that THEY know their own child best, and while their methods may be a little unorthodox, chances are it is what works for THEIR CHILD. And sometimes nothing is going to work and they’ll have to try again another day.
How about just being grateful that you aren’t the one that finds the world around you confusing and overwhelming so often, and have a little compassion for someone who is struggling with those things.
Lonestar that was brilliantly put. I’m sure the people it was intended for will disagree but you cant win them all, i mean really gayla!I suppose its not the handicapped parking spaces you are mad at, just those annoying rolling people who use them. Is that about right?and Marc, i really don’t think anyone want the world to change for out kids, just maybe a little basic human compassion for people struggling with what would be considered(normal)tasks.
Great post, Genevieve. As soon as people start to realize that they are no more normal than anyone else, ANYONE, the better our society will be. This is what I don’t get: how is it these people think society will be helped by their exclusive attitudes? When have we ever prospered by forcing people to live in some sort of caste system??
OK Edge! LOL your comment: “i mean really gayla!I suppose its not the handicapped parking spaces you are mad at, just those annoying rolling people who use them” and “Marc, i really don’t think anyone want the world to change for out kids, just maybe a little basic human compassion for people struggling with what would be considered(normal)tasks”. Why don’t you look past the surface and look at the meaning of what Gayla and Marc was trying to say before you start being judgmental. And there is nothing wrong with compassion for those struggling! BUT people are not going to show compassion to those who have no compassion for their own family and half a** teach their kids! And that is for anyone not just those with disabled children so there is no prejudice on that comment whatsoever!
The issue raised here is whether harm is being done by application of varying, sometime arbitrary standards of normalcy to children who can be “difficult.”
Genevieve did little more than call for appropriate application of common decency.
Our responses here and elsewhere suggest IMHO that there is widespread difficulty in even addressing the very real issue of discrimination against “neurologically atypical” people of any age.
I fear those responses speak more to the intensity of our prejudices, the central issue addressed in the first U.S. Surgeon General’s Report On Mental Health, than to the facts of any of the incidents Genevieve cited.
I agree with you, George. The disabled are one of the last frontiers in prejudice in this country, though all of the previous frontiers still suffer intolerance. It says something about our willingness to be exclusive and outraged all too easily. Yet, people who take justifiable offense at being excluded from society are the ones who are labeled as asking for something special. It makes little or no sense.
josh, I’m sorry if my expecting common human decency was misconstrued as being judgmental, the way I see it-discrimination is discrimination hands down no matter what you label it. and what do you mean by half a**ed teach their kids? my son has has countless hours of therapy and social skills training and guess what, he still has the occasional melt down and there you are having the audacity to expect me to just lock him up at home, maybe i should do that to shield him from ignorant uncaring people like yourself and gayla just because my son doesn’t fit into you idea of normal. ha you wish. it will never happen. so maybe you need to be less judgmental. based on what i have read here do you also boycott the special Olympics?, that wasn’t a slam i really want an answer.
Edge you have no idea what you are talking about when commenting to mypost and stop misconstruing my words. I have massive compassion for anyone and everyone that tries disabled and non disabled. I my self have to take controlled medication everyday. I was just saying that there are alot of people out there that use their childrens disability for attention and that is not fair to the child and makes them a half A** teacher and parent. you took my post as a hit torward the way your a parent and nothing like that was said. If your a caring parent awsome I commend you for that but if you sit there and say that there are no parents nor people that use their child as an excuse (which if you look at my post you went off about that is the people i was focused torward about the compassion issue) then I’d love to know what planet you are on…And NO Kid should be locked up in a house gee wiz you are talking crazy!! Before you get on a high horse and say I’m ignorant again and say crap like “am I also going to boycott the special olympics” and immature lashing like that, actually READ my post because if you were not being surface judgemental ASSuming that I’m against disabled people then you would have understood what I was saying… Hopefully you understand this post…
Marc -I agree with most of what you’re saying.
However, I don’t dismiss that there is prejudice against children/people with autism (and other disabilities). Once upon a time it was common to send children with autism to institutions to live out their lives. They were completely excluded from society.
So yes, in a way, the world has changed and these children are receiving training and services living at home with their parents. There are inclusion programs in the education system. There are special education laws in place to make sure they receive a free and appropriate education. There are state-funded services for them to live independently (or assisted) as adults if they are unable to do so on their own.
They are no longer being shoved to the side and excluded. The government has recognized these kids have an equal right to life, just like everyone else.
However there is a lingering discrimination. When stories like the mom and the kid in the airplane are published, I view the knee-jerk reaction is to call for exclusion if they can’t fit in exactly as expected.
Gayla’s headline ‘Sometimes ‘Special Needs’ Just Need To Stay Home’ and her post’s reference to drug children is an example of that. The comments on the ABC story and the Momlogic.com’s stories are examples of that.
Now, I’m not saying people/children with special needs should have a free pass to do whatever. My son’s teachers, behavioral coaches and other educators, as well as my husband and I, consistently work with my son to have appropriate behaviors. That includes everything from keeping his elbows off the table during dinner to learning coping skills when he starts to feel overwhelmed. He’s been working on his own beyond that by reading social skills books aimed towards kids like him and trying to apply it to his daily life.
As his parent, I recognize that while he’s made great progress and is working hard, he’s not ready for to participate in some things. He’s not ready to hang out at the mall like his peers w/o a chaperon, he’s not ready to drive a car and he’s not ready to board a plane and fly. I know this. However, I’m not going to exclude him from participating in those things – but I will make sure he’s had an incredible amount of training and has shown definite readiness signs before he tries.
Yes, my son is different. I know he’s different and he knows he’s different. He’s been learning how to deal with the world at large since he was born. Some days are great, and some just aren’t.
However, society doesn’t remain static. If my son was born 50 years ago his life would be very different than today. There is room for awareness and for growth on everyone’s parts. There’s room for some common decency and compassion.
It’s what I do my best to practice and, in very literal terms, teach my son to practice as well.
Gayla – I want to thank you for stopping by. You have commented that your problem is not with the child but the mother and that she was trying to bend FAA rules in the name of autism. I wasn’t very clear on that from your original post.
What I may not have been very clear on my part is I’m reacting reaction of others to these events, more than the stories themselves.
I still believe it is socially acceptable to be prejudiced against people with autism today – and people with other disabilities. That’s what bugs me the most.
I also believe that there’s room for awareness and education that can happen now that’ll shape the society yet to come (I include myself in that). I’ve seen your post ‘Idiots Guide to Special Needs – An Open Discussion and Virtual Learning Session.’ It’s a great way to open the door to discuss this and I thank you for that.
If you’re reading here – jump over. There’s a great conversation happening there. I plan on joining in as well.
@ Lonestar – you said it! MOST parents are doing everything they can – that is NOT saying ALL and it’s that small percentage that take advantage of their child’s situation and condition to seek attention that I have the complaint lodged against.
I don’t believe, at least from my standpoint, that I take issue with your particular situations. If you feel the need for an atta-girl once in a while, that’s fine. We could all use a little positive reinforcement once in a while. But this entire issue did not begin with you. It was a mother on a flight who wanted the FAA Regulations to be broken for her child. I certainly hope what I’m seeing and reading isn’t a hint of jealousy because that mother is getting attention that you are not.
Now, as for giving parents the benefit of the doubt. Let me explain this to you from an “outsiders” perspective. My view is this… If I see a child throwing a tantrum and an adult is trying to get that child under control – Yes, I may think this kid is throwing a fit and “OH, that poor parent” but then my skeptical mind kicks in and I think “I wonder if I should call the police – could this child be the victim of kidnapping?” I watch from afar – not because I’m staring at a parent with an autistic kid who is rolling on the floor, but because I’m trying to find the first hint of proof that this child even belongs with that person to begin with.
Make sense?
What about being grateful to those who care enough to observe the situation for these types of inaccuracies?
As for Edge – No it’s not the parking spaces that annoy me, it’s the people who are obviously able bodied who have the handicap sticker and use them when I see an 80+ year old man and woman shuffling through the parking lot because someone felt they were handicap enough to use the space instead.
I have NO problem with people who genuinely NEED the system – I have problem with people who ABUSE the system.
@ Liesl – if you want to see real prejudice in play, visit a Native American Reservation. I believe Native Americans are the ones that are discriminated against the most and they are the ones who are the quietest.
Again @ Edge – you’re right – discrimination is discrimination. I feel at times I’m being discriminated against because I don’t give compassion freely to those I’m not real sure deserve it. I harbor my trust and don’t really abide by the old rule “trust until given a reason not to” I am one that trust must be earned. The same goes for my compassion – I believe many disabilities are obvious – yes those earn compassion no question – those that are not quite so obvious that can be excused as something else – have to be learned and earned.
In closing this comment – I live my life every single day with an incurable yet common sexually transmitted infection. I know it’s not autism and is hardly comparable – but that’s like saying that a person losing one parent is not as bad as losing two. Pain is pain, no matter how you slice it.
When most people hear it, they think slut, tramp or whore. When it was brought home to me by my ex – I was at home being a wife and mother to 3 year old twin boys. I know all too well what it’s like to combat social stigmas – a judgmental society and uneducated people that make you feel like shit. For 10 years I worked as an advocate – I made my mark, I told my story. Hell I even educated the entire flight carrying the Cleveland Indians. I know there are ways to handle a judgmental society and cramming education and compassion down their throat is not the way to do it.
Wow – I had to do some reading to find out about this story after reading your post. I agree, perhaps one of the hardest things about having a child with autism is that they “look” typical – and so when people see an autistic child “acting out” they quickly jump to conclusions. I can’t help but think that if that child had Down’s Syndrome and started acting out everyone would have been way more understanding. I wonder if it’s possible to call ahead when making travel arrangements to give the airline, flight attendents, etc. a heads up – and possibly they should help when there. Like letting them board last, so there’s less waiting on the plane – or letting them board first – or providing “social story” books for little kids. I dunno – it just seems like they (the airlines) should be able to do something if the parents contact them in advance. Or even when getting on the plane; would it have hurt for the mom, before anything happened, to let the flight attendants know that her child has autism and may be a bit more antsy. I guess I don’t know… but I would be livid if a flight attendant took it upon herself to Yell at my child while on a plane. (oh and hello – first time here – I myself am an early childhood preschool teacher – that’s my experience with autism – totally different than those of you who are parents!)
Gayla: I don’t know if you will ever truly understand this issue until you are forced to by disability. Many people are able to stretch their minds beyond their own affectations, but others are not. Native Americans? Really? That shows me you have nothing to say, to be honest. Bringing up something that has nothing to do with the subject at hand is only a red herring tactic and does nothing for your argument. Also: people who are handicapped don’t necessarily look it. You need to stop judging others so stringently and look at yourself a bit more. Circumspection is a good thing. Not that I expect you to if you don’t even publish comments that disagree with your pov on your blog. I really do pity people like you and your limited, small existences.
Genevieve, brava! VERY good article, well-written and interesting.
I must be channeling you because I just posted a post on how to talk to a kid with autism, and what it is like to be different in a “normal” world.
T.
I agree with your thoughts; they are well-written. I especially like your comment about how “safety” has been stretched to include personal comfort. That one irks me the most. If its uncomfortable for you to watch my son pretend to wash his face with Milk at McDonalds…then look away…look away. Or go away. Either is fine with me.
Genevieve, thanks for opening up a dialogue on the issue of social prejudice against people who have autism. As the mom of two children who have autism, I often wonder whether people who make mean, cruel and insensitive comments about children with autism or other disabilities are ignorant or evil. In the final analysis it truly doesn’t matter. Social prejudice is unjustifiable, indefensible and unacceptable.
[...] to make autism, or any of his special-needs issues du jour, Public Enemy Number One. It flames the existing prejudice and builds a steeper hill to hike towards awareness and [...]
My son is 8 years old and is mainstreamed in a regular 2nd grade class. I often get the respone that “he does not look autistic”. However, we have worked very hard to provide therapy for him since he was diagnosed at age 3. he has come a very long way, however, he still has his meltdowns and my family and I try to help him using any effective strategies that we have learned. It breaks my heart to see some kids respond to him the way they do when he is trying to befriend them for the first time. I am very inspired to read a few books to his peers to help them understand his disability more. I welcome any suggestions and thoughts with this. Thanks for your time
I have a nonverbal autistic daughter, and now that she is six years old I am having a horrible time with the public. My daughter is very pretty, with beautiful auburn red hair. So, because she looks normal and she is tall for her age people can’t understand why she doesn’t act like a typical (normal) child. So, those of you who have high functioning autistic children, and think that I can just make her understand how she should act in public…walk a day in my shoes. I lived the life for two years where I hid in my house. I decided that wasn’t fair to my daughter. I take her to the store now, and sometimes she throws a fit. Sometimes she chooses a large bouqet of flowers and carries it through the store jumping and giggling. People say rude things, give us looks, have even touched my child to get her to stop doing whatever it was they didn’t like, and I lecture them all. I am on a mission. Stop the prejudice! Stop the hate! I feel bad for the woman who got kicked of the airlines. I bet she was embarassed and frustrated. Sometimes our children with autism want what they want, and there is no talking them out of it.